7th Heaven Episodes
by Daenerys Stark
Summary: Various episodes mocking this cheesy show
1. Dealing with a Death in the Family

7th Heaven

"Dealing with the Death of a Loved One"

(REVEREND & ANNIE are laying in bed together in the early morning making out)

ERIC: Last night was wonderful.

ANNIE: Shut up sex drone and pleasure me.

ERIC: (meekly) Yes ma'am.

(a knock sounds at the door)

ANNIE: (muttering) Oh those stupid little…

(MATT enters)

ANNIE: My beautiful darling! Good morning!

ERIC: Yes, good morning Matt, our eldest son who can't keep a job. How are you?

MATT: (sigh)I wish Heather was here. (pause) Or Shana, or Amanda, or Amy…

[making up names here in case you were wondering, not that big of a geek]

(SIMON & RUTHIE burst in)

ANNIE: Look, it's our youngest children, Simon and Ruthie!

ERIC: Wait, what happened to the twins.

ANNIE: Remember, we put them up for adoption for my… twenty-fifth birthday present.

ERIC: Don't you mean f—

(ANNIE slaps him)

MATT: …or Nicole, or Jacky, or…

SIMON: Mother, father, tell Ruthie to keep her stuffed animals off my bed! I'm too cool for that!

RUTHIE: You _wish_ you were cool Simon! (everyone smiles merrily. Ruthie puts hand on her hips and tilts her head knowingly) Mommy, daddy, you've been having _SEX_ haven't you?????? Heeheeheehee!

EVERYONE: Oh how adorable!

(A knock on the door. MARY enters. REV sighs and shakes his head.)

ERIC: Hello Mary, our eldest but troubled daughter.

ANNIE: Mary you're my favorite daughter! Here's a $100!

MATT: …or that girl with the dike hair cute…

(LUCY enters)

LUCY: But Mary's a trouble maker! Why does everyone like her more than me?

ANNIE: Silence whelp! Mary is our prodigal dau—

ERIC: Hush! No Biblical terms please.

MATT: Besides, everyone knows Ruthie is the favorite daughter.

RUTHIE: Technically Matt is correct. Even before I was concieved I was regarded as the favorite daughter of the family.

MATT: (laughs) You're so right Ruthie! Isn't she cute?

EVERYONE: AWWWWWWWWWW

ERIC: Now all five of our children are here.

ANNIE: Yes, here is all five of my children.

RUTHIE: Geez, subtle our parents aint.

EVERYONE: Oh you're so precocious!

(Suddenly Ruthie dies)

MARY: Awwww—wait! (peers at Ruthie) Is some… wr… (shakes her head) never mind. I'm going to make out with someone in front of the family.

(Pulls a "hot" [which in 7th Heaven terms means ugly or gay looking] hunk out of the closet and begins making out with him.)

ERIC: (wincing) Mary… Mary, please… don't…

MARY: But you and mom do it in front of everyone!

ANNIE: She's right hunny, Mary, you go right ahead.

SIMON: Wait everyone, I think something's wrong with Ruthie! She's stopped making witty, precocious remarks!

ANNIE: Leave her alone! Maybe she's just TIRED!! (snarls at everyone)

LUCY: No, actually I think she's… she's DEAD!

SIMON: No! We can fix her! I'll use my untold millions I've earned playing the stock market.

ERIC: Actually I'll just call Srg. Michaels.

THE KIDS: Good old Srg. Michaels!

(REV picks up the phone. Cut to Michaels)

MIKE: Hello?

ERIC: Ruthie's dead, get over here right away!

(they hang up)

ERIC: Srg. Michaels is on his way.

SIMON: Just a minute. Didn't Ruthie steal my Red lightning ring?

MATT: Hey… yeah… and didn't she hide my girlfriend's letters from me?

LUCY: And isn't she just an all around pain?

MARY: On second thought, I'm glad Ruthie's gone.

MATT: Me too.

ANNIE: (muttering) One less brat to not worry about.

ERIC: Hunny, do you feel the same way as the kids?

ANNIE: I love my children!!! I'm a mother!!!!

(pause)

ERIC: Be that as it may…

ANNIE: Yeah, we can just… have… _another one_. (winks suggestively)

ERIC: Er… uh… ahem. Well kids, what important lesson have we learned from this?

SIMON: There is no God?

ERIC: Well I guess.

THE END


	2. Attack of Flamer Boy!

7th Heaven

"Attack of Flaming Boy"

(ANNIE and ERIC are sitting in the living room making out. So are the TWINS. MARY enters)

MARY: Has anyone seen my wallet?

(RUTHIE enters)

RUTHIE:  (sniggers and then tries to look innocent.) No, I have not.

MARY: Oh no, I've lost my wallet!

ANNIE: (sighs heavily) Oh Mary, when will you ever learn?

MARY: What? What did I do?

ERIC: Look, somebody needs to stop you from going down this path of destruction and doom, young lady, before you wind up in trouble again.

RUTHIE: Yeah Mary, you're such a disappointment.

(MATT, SIMON & LUCY enter)

LUCY: What's going on?

ANNIE: We're sending your sister away to Buffalo—

RUTHIE: --before she gets into any _more_ trouble.

MARY: Did I miss something?

EVERYONE ELSE: Mary we hate you! We hate you! We haaaaaaaaate you!

(Srg. Michaels bursts in and drags Mary [sobbing] away.)

RUTHIE: Well there goes another one. Better get cracking Mother and Father, if you know what I mean. (winks)

EVERYONE laughs

MATT: You're oh so precocious Ruthie!

SIMON: (mutters to Lucy) Ruthie's starting to get on my nerves.

LUCY: Tell me about it.

(Suddenly MIKE PIERCE flies into the room and kills RUTHIE. Hundreds of rapid Ruthie-haters run in and drag her body out, tearing it to bits.)

LUCY: Is that you Mike Pierce?

MIKE: Yes! On top of being an excellent conversationalist I am also a super hero! I am… (dundundundun) Flaming Boy!

SIMON: Flaming Boy I love you! (throws himself on MIKE and makes out with him passionately)

ANNIE: Simon, you're gay?

SIMON: Well… (sheepishly) yeeah.

ERIC: Well that's a-ok!

(EVERYONE gives the camera a thumbs up)

MIKE: Can I stay the night Mr. and Mrs. Camden?

ANNIE: Why of course!

MIKE: Are you sure it's not a bother?

ANNIE: Oh it's no bother!

SIMON: Here, let me show you to your—(blushes) _our_ room.

(They exit)

ANNIE: Oh he's such a bother!

THE END


	3. Matt and Mary leave the Show

"_7th Heaven_

When I see their happy faces

Smiling back at me

_7th Heaven_

I know there's better feeling than the love of a family

Where can you GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO when the world don't treat you right?

The answer is HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOME that's the one place that you'll find

_7th Heaven_

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN _7th Heaven_

_7th Heaven_" (do do do do do do do)

7th Heaven

"Matt and Mary Leave the Show"

(MATT, MARY, SIMON, MIKE, LUCY, RUTHIE, ANNIE, RIC, THE TWINS, and MATT'S fiancée, I think her name is SARAH, are standing by the stairs and front door in the Camden home. MATT and MARY have their bags packed.)

ANNIE(in fake tears): Matt, are you really leaving us to get married to this Jewish heathen?

MATT: Yes, we are getting married. We will join ourselves, symbolizing that Christianity and Judaism, while having some differences, are all alike under God, and share the same moral truths. Amen. That way we will please everybody, since that's all this country is about anymore.

ERIC: Matt! What have I told you about using the "G" word?!

MATT: Sorry pops.

ERIC: Well, don't think _I'm_ going to marry you and this Jewish sinner! Not until she converts!

SARAH: I'm sorry you feel that way. In marrying Matt, I was hoping to infest—I mean, spread the Jewish culture throughout your family. Here. (Passes out brochures) Here is a 55-page brochure summarizing the Jewish belief and culture. If you have any further questions, don't hesitate to let me know.

RUTHIE: What's up with circumcision anyway?

Everyone hollowly chortles and coos

MATT: (in a fake sweet voice while reaching behind his back) Why little Ruthie, you're so cuteBURN IN HELL!!!!!!!!! (Shoots her in the head)

RUTHIE dies, much to everyone's relief

MATT: Well now that that's been taken care of…

LUCY: Wait just a minute now, do you really expect us to believe that you're actually getting married? I mean, you've been engaged at least five times by now, and every one of your girlfriends you were sure was you future wife at one point or another. Now  all of a sudden you meet this girl and two episodes later you're getting married and moving off to New York? And _that's_ how they're getting you off the show? That's less credible than Robbie and Joy's brief love affair! Are we really supposed to swallow that crap?

MATT: Well, no. What can I say, our writers suck.

SIMON: Yeah, now that you mention it, Mary's reason for leaving isn't much better. Yesterday's episode you were all over Robby, the day before that someone else, the day before that someone else, the day before that someone else, the day before that someone else, the day before---

MARY: Ok! I get the picture!

SIMON: And now we're expected to believe that today you've realized the fireman guy is your one true love, and you're moving to Buffalo to be with him, where you're going to work as a stewardess on Jet Blue, and you're never coming back? Give me a break! And don't even let me get started on all the careers you've started and given up within 3 hours….

MARY: Look, I don't write this stupid show, I just work here.

ANNIE: AHEM! It's getting a little late, you better go before you miss your flight.

MATT, MARY, and SARAH leave, everyone else hugs and waves them goodbye.

ANNIE and ERIC: Hurray they're gone! Only four more to go!

LUCY: Gee mom, it's a good thing you had twins.

ANNIE: What! Why?

LUCY: Well, if you hadn't we couldn't have gotten rid of Matt and Mary, because then there would only be 5 of us left and that just wouldn't do on a show called _seventh_ heaven.

ERIC: That's very tru—

ANNIE: (Slaps him) I'll tell you when to voice your opinion!

SIMON: Wait, now that Ruthie's dead… there _is_ only five of us!

LUCY: 6, Simon, there's 6

SIMON: I mean 6!

ANNIE: (frowns) You're right, what are we going to do about that?

MIKE: Hey now, don't forget about me, Flamer Boy!

ANNIE (frowns deeper): Well, looks like we have no choice but to adopt Flamer Boy.

SIMON: Eeeew! But then he'll be my… _brother!!!!!!!!_

LUCY: Incest has never stopped you before.

SIMON: Oh yeah, good point.

MIKE: You're sure I won't be a bother, Mrs. Camden?

ANNIE: Oh no, now you and Simon run along.

(he and Simon leave)

ERIC: It's late, I better be going off to bed.

LUCY: Yeah, and I'll tuck the twins in.

Everyone leaves except Annie

ANNIE: …………… oh they're all such a bother!


	4. Nobody Says Goodbye

This happens in almost every episode and is one of the main things that bothers me about this crappy show so I had to write something about it.

7th Heaven

"Nobody says goodbye"

(ANNIE is pretending to do something domestic, as usual. While she is packing lunches/making breakfast/washing dishes/baking cookies/tossing a salad/shelling peas/cleaning the fridge/mopping the floor/scrubbing the counters/feeding the dog/roasting a chicken/icing a cake/humming a merry tune the phone rings.)

ANNIE: Hello?

ERIC: Hi hunny, look, I'm going to be late for dinner, ok?

(ANNIE'S once charming demeanor vanishes. She scowls and begins banging things around violently.)

ERIC: Annie? Are you ok?

ANNIE: I'm FINE except that I've been SLAVING AWAY FOR DINNER all day!

ERIC: I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sure the kids will love your dinner.

ANNIE: Damn straight they will! And you better get your ass home if you don't want to live out in the garage with them from now on!

ERIC: Why did you send the kids to the garage again?

ANNIE: BECAUSE THEY QUESTIONED ME!!!!!!!!!!! AND IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU—!!!!!!!

ERIC: All right! I'll try and make it home for dinner!

ANNIE: See that you do!

(They hang up)

(In the garage…)

(For some reason all the kids have phones)

RUTHIE: (on the phone with her little boyfriend) So how are you today?

BOYFRIEND: I'm fine.

RUTHIE: I hate you! I hate you!

BOYFRIEND: What? Why?

RUTHIE: Just shut up and buy me some tampons!

BOYFRIEND: Ok.

(They hang up)

MATT: (also on the phone) So do I have the job?

MYSTERIOUS PERSON ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PHONE: Well we'll see how the interview goes first.

MATT: Great! See you tomorrow!

(They hang up)

SIMON: (on another phone) So the whole school knows I'm a virgin? Man that sucks!

FRIEND: Yeah dude.

SIMON: I need to find a way to break my "pastor's son" image!

FRIEND: Dude, I don't know…

SIMON: Can I go to a wild party with you where I will try to stay out of trouble while attempting to break my "virgin boy" image at the same time but will accidentally get drunk and for some reason not stand up for myself so I get in huge trouble with my entire family even though it isn't my fault?

FRIEND: Dude! Yeah! I'm so stoked man!

(They hang up)

LUCY: (on the phone) I'm an empty-headed twit! Tee hee!

FRIEND ON OTHER LINE: Tee hee!

LUCY: Tee hee!

(They hang up)

(In the house, in Mary's room)

MARY: (on the phone) What's wrong Wilson?

WILSON: Mary, why did you kiss that other guy?

MARY: (getting upset) How many times do I have to tell you! I'm just a whore, ok! Why can't you deal with that?

(Wilson hangs up)

MARY: What the—huh? Hey! Wilson hung up on me!

AUTHOR: How can you tell? HOW CAN YOU TELL!!!!!!! WHY DON'T ANY OF YOU EVER SAY GOOD BYE WHEN YOU HANG UP???????? WHY??????????? FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING GOOD AND HOLY, JUST SAY GOODBYE!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!! FOR THE LOVE!!!!!!!!!!

(Strangles Mary. Then strangles Ruthie for good measure)

THE END


End file.
